Seeking Emotional Balance

Universally, at every age, in all cultures and cohorts, caregivers try to prevent psychopathology, an illness or disorder (-pathology) of the mind (psycho-). Although symptoms and diagnoses are influenced by culture (rebellion is expected in some cultures and pathological in others), impaired emotional regulation signals mental imbalance everywhere. Parents guide young children toward “an optimal balance” between emotional expression and emotional control (Blair & Dennis, 2010; Trommsdorff & Cole, 2011).

Without adequate regulation, emotions are overwhelming. Intense reactions can occur in opposite ways. Some people have externalizing problems: Their powerful feelings burst out uncontrollably. They externalize rage, for example, by lashing out or breaking things. Without emotional regulation, an angry child might pummel another person or lie down screaming and kicking. By age 5, children usually have learned more self-control, perhaps pouting or cursing, not hitting and screaming.
Other people have internalizing problems: They are fearful and withdrawn, turning distress inward. Emotions may be internalized via headaches or stomach aches. Although the cause is psychological, the ache is real. Girls tend to internalize and boys to externalize, although children of both sexes do both.

With maturity, the extreme fears of some 2-year-olds (e.g., terror of the bathtub drain, of an imagined tidal wave, of a stranger on crutches) diminish. The fear isn’t gone, but expression is regulated. A frightened 2-year-old might hide in the closet; a 5-year-old might be afraid of kindergarten but will bravely let go of Mother’s hand and enter the classroom.

Both undercontrol, which produces externalizing behavior, and overcontrol, which leads to internalizing behavior, are much more common in 3-year-olds than in 5-year-olds. Experiences during those years interact with brain maturation, ideally strengthening emotional regulation (Lewis, 2013).

Sex differences in internalizing and externalizing behavior are traditionally assumed to be biological, perhaps hormonal, but a cultural explanation is also possible. Do parents and cultures teach young girls to restrain externalizing actions (“not ladylike”), while teaching boys to avoid crying (“be a man”)? Trying to understand the causes of sex or gender differences is a concern of thousands of researchers (Eagly & Wood, 2013). Conflicting theories and evidence are presented later in this chapter. In any case, unless they master emotional regulation during early childhood, boys tend to throw and hit and girls tend to sob or hide.